Speakman Family Adoption

Christmas...

2011-01-03T22:54:00.001-08:00

Lily at 10 1/2 months old.

Zacky testing out his new bike!

Waiting for dinner at Papa and Lola's house!

Seeing his new bike for the first time.

All she wanted to do was eat the wrapping paper :)

Some of the cousins at Grandma's house for Christmas Eve dinner.
Lily and Auntie Kate

Uncle Kev feeding Lily

Halloween...

2011-01-03T22:31:00.001-08:00

Tough Mudder 2010...

2010-10-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of Rich at his Bear Valley Tough Mudder race. It was a 7 mile obstacle course race at the ski resort. He said it was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life, but he's already gearing up for the So. Cal one in 2011 :) I'm so proud of him!

Random October...

2010-10-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened when uploading the pictures, but oh well :)

To update you on what's been going on, we went to court on October 5th. The judge signed the papers and termination of parental rights took place. We were able to cancel visitation with Lily's birth parents at that time, but we chose to allow once-per-month visitation instead. Lily now has to be placed in our home for an additional 6 months in order to be free for legal adoption. It's all a process, but it's kind of smooth sailing for a while.

This month has been busy so far! Zack started a pre-school program. The great thing about it is that I am able to attend with him and so is Lily. He seems to love it there and his teacher is so incredibly wonderful with him and helps him with his special behaviors. It's definitely a great environment for him...where he can be himself and I am able to be there to work with him and see his progress firsthand. He is talking so much and comes up with the funniest things sometimes. He is also the master of coming up with excuses to get out of bed at night. The other night, he told me that he needed to "snuggle" a little bit more and, in doing so, proceded to tell me that he wants another baby, but "no more girls". He is so smart and just shocks me with some of the stuff he knows. He was at the jungle gym the other day and I heard him counting to 7 in Spanish! I never taught him that! Too much Dora, I guess :)

As for Rich and I, we went to Bear Valley last weekend, where he competed in a Tough Mudder race. I will post pictures of that tomorrow.

Lily had a wonderful time at her first Celtic Festival! She loved the music and didn't nap all day :) She now has four (very sharp) teeth and is starting to scoot all over the place. She's showing to have quite the temper at times, but most often has the sweetest spirit. She growls like a dinosaur, which is so funny to hear coming from a baby girl that looks so sweet. She likes to scoot on the floor and try to wreck Zack's train tracks, which makes him pretty pissy, but he is quick to forgive and move on once we move her away. And, as for Rich, you should SEE the way she looks at him. Daddy comes in the room and she follows his every move, all the while with a huge smile on her face. When Momma comes in the room she cries, thinking she needs my undivided attention all of the time. :) She is such a joy!

Mom and all of the grandkids, minus 5

Lily, 7 months old :)

Zack's first day of school!

Zack's birthday party...

2010-10-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Zack getting ready to hit the Thomas pinata at his birthday :)

Emmie and Herbie

Zack with his Papa and Lola

Uncle Barnes and Auntie Heather

Happy 3rd birthday, sweet boy!

Zack and Logan

Me and my baby girl...

2010-09-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Best friends turn 3!...

2010-09-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Zack and Logan have been best friends since they were about a week old. They are only 9 days apart in age.

Happy 3rd birthday to my two sweet boys!

Our baby boy is THREE!!!....

2010-09-13T08:07:00.001-07:00

I can't believe how quickly the last three years have gone!

He now carries on complete conversations with us, has the funniest little sense of humor, and is completely potty trained (even at night!).

I am just shocked at what a big boy he is now.

We love you, little man!

Lovin' on his sissy. What a sweet boy.

Our baby girl (6 months)...

2010-09-13T07:55:00.001-07:00

August pics...

2010-08-25T22:20:00.001-07:00

Our sweet babies.

Zacky, Lily and Maddie

Helping a teething sissy feel better :(

Lily and Gramma Sally.

We had a few days that were too hot to go outside, so we had a few movie days this month.

He looks like Forest Gump :)

Lily and Lola (Rich's mom) having a tea party.

Lily and her Papa (Rich's dad)

Our new big adventure...

2010-07-28T20:29:00.001-07:00

Lovin' those sweet potatoes!

She's a toe sucker!

Her first 4th of July...she loved the fireworks!

Her first vacation (one month old)...Monterey, CA

Her first St. Patty's Day!

Her first time in her new car seat. Look how tiny she was!

The first time we met. She was one day old and came with only a onesie, a receiving blanket and a few diapers.

The first time she met her Daddy.

The first time she met her big brother...

Here is our "big new adventure"!

As most of you know, Rich and I are foster parents. In the last year, we have helped to parent four children, in addition to our son, Zack. What a ride that has been!

As we have said before, we went into foster parenting to help out families while they are in transition and to assist families in need of some time to get back on their feet. We knew that if a child was in need of a permanent home, and we felt that it was a good fit for our family, we would pursue an adoption.

Well, that's exactly what happened! Back in February, we were asked to take a one day old baby girl, who we will call "Lil' Baby". She weighed 6 lbs., 15 oz. and we had 20 minutes notice of her arrival at our home. She came with only the onesie on her back and a receiving blanket. She has been a joy from day one! She is so incredibly laid back and gentle. She loves to be cuddled and just goes with the flow.

I had always said, since having Zack, that I would be completely content only having boys. Oh boy was I wrong! Goodness gracious, this little girl has us wrapped around her little finger!

She is now 5 1/2 months old and we've been able to experience all of her "Firsts" so far. She now rolls over and scoots all over the floor, she got her first tooth this week and started eating big girl baby food, she smiles and laughs (which just melts my heart every time), and has become quite attached to her big brother Zack.

Speaking of Zack...he is doing very well! He loves being a big brother and always tells me, "Oh look! I'm such a big helper!" He is good with Lil' Baby, but we do have to watch and make sure he is gentle with her...he's two :) He will be celebrating his 3rd birthday in September. Man, how the time flies!

Catching up on pics...

2010-06-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

He decided to make his own bed on the floor for a while. Guess he got bored of his bed. I thought it was sweet that he made sure to tuck in "Rabby" and "Table Hair" (teddy bear) as well :)

Our niece Shea dressed him up as a princess...how lovely.

Our beautiful niece Maddie (same age as Zack)

Me and my sweet Emmie at her birthday party.

A few weeks ago, we had a picnic at Bidwell Park in Chico to celebrate Barnes' graduation.

We had lots of rain in May!

He loves to do airplane!

He always says, "Look mom! I'm FILING!" (flying)

Heather took us to the train museum in Sacramento for the day. After which, Zack insisted on going to bed like this for about a week so he looked just like the "ductor" (conductor).

It finally heated up enough to set up a pool.

Happy Mother's Day!...

2010-05-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

Me and Zack's BFF Logan at the park.

My sweet baby boy.

This past weekend, we had our previous foster son Aryon come stay with us for the day. It was so nice to see him!

Zacky sure has missed Aryon too!

Happy Mother's Day!

My mom came over for Mother's Day and we had a great dinner together :)

Our sweet boy...

2010-04-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

"Funny Faces!"

Mommy "lost her marbles"...but guess who had them all along!

Our nephew AJ went to camp this past week, so Zack painted AJ a "welcome home" picture.

"What? I'm NOT supposed to paint MYSELF?"

Easter...

2010-04-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

Cal, Zack and Maddie digging into their Easter goods at Grandma's. Notice how Zack is stealing Cal's candy?

Clint, Tara, Cal and Baby Evvy...Evvy's very first Easter!

Patti, Maddie and Dan

Our little family

Mom, Kate and Baby Evvy

Me and my Mama

Cal showing Maddie some L-O-V-E

Zack's face when we showed him his Easter basket...priceless.

Zack checking out the books from Auntie Heather.

Kate and Baby Evvy

The three 2-year-old cousins. So much fun together!

Monterey...

2010-04-02T14:37:00.001-07:00

This past week, we took a family trip to Monterey. Rich was participating in a Mud Run (5 miles), which was put on by the Army. We did take the baby with us and took some sweet pictures with her, but I won't be posting those online. Rich did a great job at his race and we spent the rest of our time playing and finding fun things to do.

Poor Zacky missed out on his naps (sometimes by choice), so he passed out at the dinner table one night.

Fiesta!?!?! I say, "SIESTA!"

We spent the good part of an afternoon at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I had never been, so I was just as excited at Zack was!

"Oooh, Daddy! Look at the UGLY fish!"

We also went to the beach near Carmel.

We also went to the Dennis the Menace Park in Monterey. They had a huge steam engine there. Zack was in HEAVEN!

Dressed up as a fireman at the great Kid's Museum we found.

"Wait a second...you don't let me jump on the bed at HOME!"

My handsome husband running his hiny off!

March Pics...

2010-03-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, my brother and sister (in-law) put on a great St. Patty's party! Thank you, Kristie and Kevin!

Kristie and Kasey

Cal, Clint, Tara and Baby Evvy

My sister Kate and my niece Kyrie

Zack and his pal, Logan.

We have our OWN little Lollipop Guild! Zack, Cal and Maddie...all about 2 1/2. Such fun kids :)

Zack coloring in the tub.

Rich and his best friend Barnes (Brian) at the Richardson's St. Patty's party.

Zack loved his new Wiggles book that Emmie bought him.

Zacky and his BFF...

2010-03-07T23:43:00.000-08:00

Big changes...

2010-02-21T15:16:00.000-08:00

Where do I even begin?!?!?

There have been some HUGE changes in our home lately. First of all, our two kids (3 and 5) went home to their mom last Thursday. As hard as it was to say goodbye to them, we have high hopes that they will do well back at home with their mom. We became very attached to them and asked their mom if we would be able to keep in contact, but they have some adjusting to do at home before that should happen, of course.

We were slowly adjusting to being a family of three again when I got a call from Children's Hope (our foster agency we work with) on Thursday. I was headed from the park to have lunch with my best friend Emily and our two boys when I saw Patty calling from the office. I thought to myself..."Why is she calling me? I'm going to say 'no'...I'm just not ready."

It's hard to open our home and hearts up to these sweet children, just to have to say goodbye to them. Rich and I knew that we needed time to heal, so we had decided to take a few months off of fostering before committing ourselves again.

So, I answered the phone and Patty said, "The county called and requested you and Rich specifically to take a lil' one. It's a newborn baby girl." I said, "How newborn are we talking?"...knowing that babies that are removed are often removed due to abuse. I just wanted to know what I was getting into and how extensive the situation might be. She told me the baby was born the day prior and the county social worker was on her way to the hospital to pick her up. I called Rich to discuss it with him.

Now, he is usually the more guarded decision maker when it comes to our fostering decisions. I'm usually the one saying, "But it's a 3 year old!...but it's an abuse case!"...and he talks some sense into me and helps me to realize what OUR family is capable of and what is too much for us to take on. When I told him about this baby girl, he said, "It just feels right."

SO, long story even longer...we got a newborn baby girl on Thursday. She is now 4 days old and we are (okay, I am) quickly adjusting to the sleepless nights again. Her name is Lily and she is the most adorable, sweet little baby girl in the world! She is quiet (for now) and sleeps a lot (for now). She was quite jaundice when she came, so we are having to wake her up to eat every two hours to keep her blood sugar up. She has another check-up tomorrow to make sure she is getting better.

In speaking with her county social worker, it seems as though she may be adoptable. We need to follow the rules to a "T", so that no one has anything they can hold against us if we have to go to court, so I will not be posting pictures of her online (however, those are pictures of her sweet little hand and foot above).

Zack is adjusting well and LOVES acting as "big brother". He constantly asks to hold the baby and gently kisses her on the head all the time. I think he likes being the older one in the house...maybe this will better suit him.

I will keep you posted on what's going on. Like I've said before, we may not be able to keep her forever, but we will love on her as much as we can while she's here. She is a precious little girl who holds so much promise...please pray for her.

January 2010...

2010-02-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

This last week, our big kid "A" turned 6 years old! We celebrated by inviting our nephew Alex over to spend the weekend and we took all of the kids to John's Incredible Pizza. We had so much fun! We baked and decorated cupcakes, opened presents, and the boys pitched a tent in the living room to sleep in.

Zack's "not so happy" face :)

The kids playing with some new toys.

More phone pics...

2010-01-18T16:59:00.000-08:00

Shea stayed the night the other night. Zack had fun snuggling up with her to eat some popcorn and watch a movie.

On Saturday, Heather and I took the kids to the Buttes to play.

A craft I did with the kids a few weeks ago.

Showing off when Gramma Sally came over for dinner.

Our little girl and Zack...the only time they are being nice to each other :)

All of the kids at Colleen's house having some breakfast. I love that two of ours are holding hands :)

We took a trip out to see Cal and Evvy about a week ago.

Evvy...6 weeks old.

Isn't she beautiful!?!?!?

The Nunes Family...

2010-01-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

This last week, I went out with The Nunes family to take some pictures before Meagan had to go back to college. This is such an amazing family!

January Videos...

2010-01-18T15:06:00.000-08:00

MAKE SURE TO PAUSE THE MUSIC PLAYER TO THE LEFT!

Oh...the dreaded haircut! Although we give Zack a haircut EVERY MONTH, he still, as my sister would say, flips his Twinkies every single dang time! We actually call and notify our neighbor before we begin, that way we don't get CPS called on us :) He kept telling Rich, "My try! My try!"...so Rich let him "practice" cutting his hair. In the end, I ended up having to cut Rich's hair too. What a good Daddy.

I'm just astounded by how sweet this little boy is! Before bed, I always rock all three of the kids after book time, then Zack helps me sing songs to get everyone ready for bed. I just couldn't resist getting this on camera...

Phone pics...

2010-01-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

Someone FINALLY got a haircut!

Wearing their new jammies on Christmas Eve :)

Christmas 2009...

2010-01-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas at the Speakman house was amazing this year! We had such a good time watching the kids open their presents and introducing our new kids to the world of Santa and the history behind why we celebrate Christmas. Our 5 year old thought Jesus was our neighbor Rick that lives next door :)

I have to be quite honest...Christmas was tight this year. We budget our money carefully and are responsible with the income we have, but with the addition of two children to our home just two weeks before Christmas, we were a little nervous about how we could swing it. When the kids came to us, they come with VERY little, and most of the items they did come with needed to be discarded (i.e. ratty clothes, no hygiene items, one pair of shoes, no toys, etc. Our little girl is in a 6x size and she came with 24 month clothes!). We do get a small reimbursement from the foster agency, but anything that is needed immediately comes out of pocket...and these kids needed a lot. We got the kids two weeks before Christmas, so...let's just say, things got REALLY tight!

The reason I tell you this is because Christmas is not about the gifts and the wrapping paper and bows. It's not about the big ticket items or shiny new toys. It's about celebrating the life of Jesus and all he has done to bless our lives. This Christmas, we didn't have much to offer but a warm, safe home for these sweet babies to stay in and a few pairs of loving arms to wrap around them to assure them that they would be okay. They didn't know who Jesus was, but were quickly surrounded by people who were willing to show them His loving and caring nature. Here is where you come in...

We were able to get the kids a few toys and new clothes, but the majority of their gifts for Christmas were given to us by some very special people. We had a stranger purchase them each an outfit, Rich was receiving bags of donated clothes and toys (some brand new) on his desk at work, friends brought over items new and used that they knew we would need. They got new books, toys, dolls, a train set, a play kitchen set, new clothes, new pajamas, games, coloring books, bath toys, etc. ALL from people who wanted to just share some love with a few little kids who needed it. That is why these pictures are so important to me. They represent the generous and caring hearts of our friends, family and strangers that reached out to "our" kids when they needed to feel the comforts of "home". Every time I see one of them use (or wear) and item that they were given, I remember the person who gave that gift and thank God for them!

To all of you who made their Christmas possible, we thank you. You will always be remembered in our prayers. You know who you are.

P.S. Just a visual for you of how appreciative these children are...

They received new pajamas from Auntie Heather for Christmas. When they pulled them out of the package, our little boy (5) said, "Smell them! They smell...so clean! Can I put them on now!?!?!?!" :)

Seeing the presents under the tree for the first time...in their new pajamas!

Zack was equally excited :)

Uhhhh...I think he likes it!

I've never seen kids so excited to receive clothes for Christmas! Usually kids will open the clothes, toss them over their shoulder and keep digging in the gifts until they find a toy. :)

"Holy moly! A Dora doll!"

A friend of ours recently had a baby (Mia), so Zack calls this baby, "Baby Mia". It's so cute to see him want to care for this baby doll! He tells her, "Eat time, Baby Mia! Uh-oh, Mommy! Baby Mia burped! Ew!"

Maybe baby Mia had gas?

"Good girl...drinking..."

Santa on the Fire Engine...

2009-12-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

Our first picture as a family of 5. I LOVE these kids!

Last week, my sister Christine and some of her family came to visit us from Oregon :)

My sisters Colleen and Patti

Waiting for Santa to come on the fire engine at Grandma Sally's house on Christmas Eve.

Our feisty three-year-old.

Zack, scarfing down his candy cane from Santa.

The love of my life...

Our most beautiful gift of all...

Lots of the grandkids came to Grandma's to see Santa!

Not too sure about the hairy guy that brought him candy (Santa)...

Me and all of the kids with Santa.

Our new kids informed me today that Santa has never come to their house before, so I think they will be in for a surprise in the morning when they see all of the presents under the tree and the stockings filled with treats. I feel so blessed to be able to share the true meaning of Christmas with these children, as they do not know who Jesus is. To hear them thank God for their food before every meal just melts my heart. We are so blessed.

We hope you all have a beautiful Christmas. We will be updating the blog soon with more pictures!

The New Adventure...

2009-12-13T17:08:00.001-08:00

A week ago, we were asked to take a sibling set of two kids into our home. We gladly accepted the challenge :)

We have a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. They are adjusting well to being with us, but still are very emotional about wanting to go home. Getting to know these little ones, I whole-heartedly agree with CPS's decision to remove them for the time being. They visit with their family often, but for now, everything is "up in the air" as far as how long they will be here, what the reunification plan will be, etc.

Both kids are VERY affectionate and need a lot of reassurance and love. They love to be cuddled and hugged on...which doesn't bother us one bit! :) They are learning their manners and how to talk to people with respect, as well as how to take care of themselves and their bodies (that's a big one). Our biggest challenge is bed time and getting them to fall asleep and stay in bed. It's often a long battle of the wills and makes for some late nights and SUPER early mornings. It's like having a baby all over again!

We are quickly falling in love...

Cold day in November...

2009-11-19T19:05:00.000-08:00

Lights, Camera...Action!...

2009-11-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today, Emily had to have minor surgery on her foot, so Logan came over to play. After pulling out every toy and having a big lunch, we cooked up some popcorn and popped in a movie. The boys had a great time together today :)

Lions and Tigers and...Flamingos?...

2009-11-13T18:59:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a gorgeous day, so I decided that Zack and I would go to the zoo...just the two of us. We had such a fun time! He was thrilled to see all of the animals and to ride the train. I love building special memories with him like that. I won't ever forget it.

"Holy moly! Mom brought fruit snacks! SCORE!"

We packed a nice little picnic and shared it with the squirrels :)

Almond butter and apricot jam...our favorite!

Last week, our best friends took us to see a comedy show in Sacramento. We had a great date night, starting off with a wonderful dinner at Tower Cafe.

Better late than never!...

2009-11-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

Last month was Zack's 2nd birthday! I completely forgot to post pics. from his party!

Zack's friend Joshy - - the entertainment for the party!

Playing with his new train set :)

Uh-oh! Mommy's letting me get messy!

Nice, Zack. Real nice.

Zack's best friend Logan.

ABC's and 123's...

2009-11-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

Zack's learning to count and say his ABC's now. He also has learned to say grace before eating, which is the most heart-melting thing I've ever heard...

Boo!...

2009-11-02T21:06:00.001-08:00

Happy Halloween everyone!

Watching football with Daddy.

Cal as a hobo for Halloween.

He didn't want to take the costume off :) He kept saying, "Dinosaur...roar!"

Having some "cake cups", as Zack calls them, at Auntie Colleen's Halloween party.

Time to cut the pumpkin!

Showing off his new big boy undies.

Uh-oh! He was so excited about carving the pumpkin that he had to pee :) Don't worry...he made it.

Apple Hill and Bishop's Pumpkin Farm...

2009-10-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, Rich took Zack and I to Apple Hill to celebrate my birthday. It was a long day, but SUPER fun! Zack was so well behaved and it was just an all-around great day.

Sunday, we took Zack and Aryon to Bishop's Pumpkin Farm. It was so nice to have Aryon for the whole day :)

Lotion???...

2009-10-29T17:55:00.001-07:00

Last week, I gave Zack a bath, then decided to let him lick the spatula of whipped cream I had from making some food for Tara's baby shower. I continued to cook and turned my back to him. I heard him saying, "Oh! Nice lotion! Mommy's lotion! Oh wow...pretty!" I turned back around and my, recently bathed, son was rubbing whipped cream all up and down his arms, massaging it into his hair and on his cheeks...oh...and would occasionally take a lick. :) Silly boy.

Tara's Baby Shower...

2009-10-28T21:47:00.001-07:00

What can I say? I just can't WAIT to meet our baby niece Evangeline! My brother and Tara are expecting her arrival late next month. We're even more excited that we will be able to have Cal stay with us while Tara is in the hospital. Woohoo!

Last weekend, we through Tara (and Clint) a baby shower to celebrate. Thank you Cakes By Request for the amazing cake! It was exactly what I wanted!

Cal playing with his train set.

The soon-to-be big brother.

Shea putting on tattoos.

Kyrie and Cal

Clint admiring the little girl tights they got as a gift and probably wondering, "How the hell do you put these things on?"

The soon-to-be Grandma of 13!!!

Miss Kaitlyn

School pictures...

2009-10-06T15:43:00.001-07:00

This past week, I've done three photoshoots so that my nieces and nephew have school pics. that they actually LIKE :). We had so much fun taking the pictures, so here are a few of my favorites. First, Kaitlyn is in 7th grade, then Kyrie is in 5th grade, and Greyson is in his senior year of high school. :)

I wear my sunglasses at night...

2009-09-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

Zack wanted to play with Mommy's sunglasses today.

He also tried substituting with Mr. Potato Head glasses :)

Zack and his best friend...

2009-09-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Emily and I took the boys out hiking at the levy to take pictures, celebrating the fact that they are both two (well, Logan's birthday is on Sunday)! They had so much fun playing and running together :)

Unfortunately, Zack wasn't in the BEST of moods. He is getting three of his 2-year molars at the same time. Poor lil' guy :(

These two boys have been best friends since they were about a week old. Logan is only nine days younger than Zack...their very first play date was when Logan was only about a week old. I can clearly picture them all bundled up in the pajamas sleeping on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. I was in the kitchen making sandwiches for my friend Emily, whom I hadn't seen since high school. I was thinking, "We have so much in common! I wonder where our friendship will go..." And here we are, 2 years later, and I thank God every day for her influence in my life. She is one of my dearest friends and I know our relationship was meant to be for a lifetime. I'm so thankful for every moment we've shared together, with and without our children. Love you, Em!

Updates and new pics...

2009-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has been...something else. It's been heartbreaking losing AM and joyous watching our little boy turn two-years-old.

Let's start with AM. After weeks, actually months, of debate, discussion, and struggle, we came to the conclusion that we could no longer continue to have AM live with us. We have been through so much with this little boy, but he has been distributing many behaviors that led us to the realization that we could not keep him and still trust that Zack would remain safe. When we began foster parenting, we vowed that we would always keep Zack and our family as our number one priority. Keeping AM any longer than we did would have gone against what our family needs. It was nothing short of heartbreaking having to pack up his things, tally up each and every piece of clothing and toy on a piece of paper, and organize and prepare all of his paperwork for someone else to take over. Our fears of what would happen to him were endless. What school would he go to? Will he end up with a teacher that wouldn't care enough to get to know why he is the way he is? What if he falls through the cracks? What if we never see him again? What if he ends up in one of "those" homes? We said our goodbyes yesterday and I spent much of the day finishing packing for him and sobbing. I was feeling pretty horrible until around 6pm last night, when I received a phone call.

Me: "Hello?"
AM: "Mom? It's me. I'm really sad."
Me: "Awe, buddy. I'm so glad you called me!"
AM: "Yeah, I told my new social worker that I wanted your number. I've been carrying it around in my pocket all day."

We then talked about what his new house is like and he told me that he will still have his own room. I was able to speak with his new foster mother on the phone and she sounds WONDERFUL!!! She said that their family will be coming to Zack's birthday party next week because she knows how important it is for AM. She also told him that he could call us (and we could call him) any time he wanted to. This was proven to be true after we received our 4th phone call in approximately 2 hours. My sister also received four voicemails! We were so happy to hear that he was okay. As an added bonus, they were able to find him a home to live in where he could stay at the same school!!! His foster mother sounds amazing and expressed how she intends to be very invested in AM's education as well. I can't wait to meet her in person and I am so thankful that God is watching out for this little boy. His social workers have agreed to still let us be in contact and have visitation with him, which is more than we could have ever asked for.

Yesterday was Zacky's 2nd birthday! He woke up saying, "Happy birthday TO ME!!!" We went out to lunch with Grandma Sally, my sister and some friends. Then, we had a quiet family dinner...just the three of us...at home. I have to admit that I did set the table for four though. Afterward, we picked up some frozen yogurt and came home to stay up late and watch Finding Nemo. Zack keeps asking for AM, but considering the circumstances, it was a great day for him!

Our sweet Bailey girl.

It doesn't get any cuter than this :)

He loves to wear Daddy's shoes around the house!

Zack and (a very tired) Logan, playing with Legos and watching Sesame Street.

Zack sleeping in on his birthday. Happy birthday, baby boy!

Rich and I made Zack a "man cave" (kitchen table + bed sheets = awesomeness!). He literally went down for a nap crying big crocodile tears because he wanted to stay in the "cave".

Zack and Daddy checkin' out the cave...

The cave wouldn't be complete without a guard dog.

Yes...our child has OCD. He does stuff like this every single day. Whether it's building patterns with his blocks or organizing markers or magnets or lining up every single chair in the church's nursery in a perfectly straight row...the boy is obsessed. Certainly has an engineer's mind like his Daddy.

Here we go again! More organizing!

Last weekend, we celebrated my mom's 70th birthday with a family BBQ.
Happy birthday, Mama!

My joy...

2009-08-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

We truly couldn't have asked for a more incredible child. His personality is just exploding lately and it's been so fun watching him grow into a "big boy". In just 12 days he will be TWO!!!

I can't get enough of his "Grandpa Jack" eyes :)

2009-08-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I will begin by being completely honest. Shocking? I think not. I have truly felt discouraged lately. I've been questioning myself and my decisions. Am I doing right by my family? Am I doing right by our son? Am I doing what God really wants from me? Am I fighting a losing battle and am just too stubborn to admit that I've already lost a long time ago? I've really been struggling with these incessant thoughts of doubt. They keep me up at night. They make me cringe.

I'm sure that many people do not understand our decision to do foster care. Many do, but many do not. I firmly believe that my inability to bear children was not a mistake. It was (is) a painful part of God's amazing plan for us to work for His greater good. I don't know that I will ever "get over" the fact that I will not have the same experience as most mothers do...being able to carry a child inside me...being able to protect him/her in utero and feel him/her kicking inside me...to be able to say that our child was created out of love between me and my husband. I may not be able to say any of these things, but I can say that my child is a miraculous creation of a God much bigger than I could ever imagine. A God that created the most perfect child in the whole world, and gave his mother the strength and courage to offer him freely to us to raise. Through her, He gave us the gift of parenthood. However, I don't think our calling ends there.

Like I said, I've been struggling with what is right or wrong lately. I've always felt confident in my gift of discernment, but I've really doubted my judgement lately...especially today. That is, until I received an e-mail from a friend. This friend has been a blessing to me and it was through her that I felt called to do foster care, and therefore brought it to the attention of my husband (who obviously agreed). You see, my friend is also a foster parent. In having lunch with her and her, at the time, FIVE small foster children, one of her kids just tugged at my heart. As I reached to give this sweet little three-year-old girl a high five, she ducked. That's right. She ducked. She automatically assumed that I was reaching out my hand to hit her. She was three. My heart broke a little that day. Right then and there, I knew that some day I had to do something. I just didn't know what that would be.

This particular friend of mine sent me the most incredible e-mail today. Without me even having to explain how I was feeling, this is was she sent (in reference to her being a foster parent):

"I keep telling myself that this is what I am here for and when I am in heaven, I will be rewarded beyond measure for the life that I was given and that I stuck through it, worked through it, and in the end was faithful to the One who really counts."

Then, she put down a quote that she had found today and felt that I needed to read:

"Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good? Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot.

Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be bound and beaten. But He remains.

The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure. It is not just for those who make the victory lap or drink the champagne. No sir. The Land of Promise is for those who simply remain to the end."

Wow. How eye opening is that!?!?! What a wonderful reminder that we endure for a reason.

Here is a little more from my friend in her own words. She has no idea how this has touched me and encouraged me to continue:

"...When I read it (the quote)...I was reminded of WHY I am doing this...it IS my plan in life...I really LOVE these kids with every piece of me...THEY are EVERYTHING to me. Like I said, this lifestyle is HARD...but it's in my life for a reason, and when I am feeling weak, like I can't go on...I will fight harder for what is right. These kids didn't ask to be here, but I am so glad they are. I am making an impact on them...and for that alone, I AM GRATEFUL!"

Thank you "friend" for your support and your amazing encouragement to Rich and I in this journey. Thank you to every one of you out there that has embraced this part of our lives and has shown love to AM, even when it seemed as though he was unlovable. He is being impacted, molded and shaped by every one of you as well...so for that we are grateful. And, even though we cannot guarantee how long he will be with us, I hold tight to the belief that his time with us will have mattered. At least, I pray it will.

Luau's and Butterflies...

2009-08-16T20:56:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, we went to our friends Chris and Chrissy's annual Luau. Lots of great friends, great conversation and lots of drinks! Little did we know, though...Chris had a little surprise in store for Chrissy. While giving their "thank you for coming" speech, he PROPOSED!!! We've known since the first time we met Chris that some day this engagement would come...they are just THAT perfect for each other.

It just overjoys me to see my friend this happy. She certainly deserves it...and so does he.

AND SHE SAID YES!!!
In addition to just being a wonderful couple, they are incredibly close friends of ours (Chrissy and I have known each other since we were little kids). We have been blessed to be able to witness their relationship grow from the very beginning. Chris recently moved out here from Wisconsin to be with Chrissy and her daughter Paisley, whom he treats as if she were his own. He will make an incredible husband and step-father to Pais. Congratulations you two!!! We love you so much.

Me and Heather

Heather and Barnes

Chrissy and Jamie opening up karaoke!...didn't last long...the cops shut it down.

Colleen and Tony

This summer, since we've been working with AM on his academics to get him a little more caught up, we decided to do a butterfly experiment with him, since we didn't have much science material. We were lucky enough to have 4 out of 5 of our butterflies hatch! We released them yesterday.

This sad little one with the bum wing didn't last long. He died within a few hours of being released in our yard.

What gorgeous creatures God makes!

Speakman Camp Out '09...

2009-08-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

We wanted to have one last hoorah before the school year started for all of the kids, so last weekend we had a camp out in our back yard. There were about 14 people in all...three big tents, a camp fire, glow sticks, flashlights, and lots and lots of marshmallows. We all had so much fun! Rich and I skipped the tent. We blew up the air-bed and put up the pack-n-play in the yard, we sprayed ourselves well with bug spray and Rich, Zack and I slept under the stars. It was nothing short of wonderful!

Our nephew Cal...soon to be "big brother" to a little sister :)

Our niece Shea...soon to be a big 2nd grader!

One of my very best friends, Emily. Also, mom to Logan (Zack's best friend).

Logan :)

Our nephew Alex...soon to be starting kindergarten!

My brother Clint...soon to be "Daddy" again!

Logan and Zack. More interested in playing with the buckles on the booster seat than playing with the other kids.

My beautiful sister, Kate...the master camper!

Logan...or, as Zack calls him, "Gogie"

AM enjoying the camp out.

AJ, Alex and Cal.

Lovely static-cling hair from the tent.

Herbie...life of the party!

My goofy brother.

Zack loved having the family around!

He is SO handsome :)

S'MUPS. S'mores made with peanut butter cups. I'd rather stick with just the marshmallows, myself.

Fascinated by the fire.

Roasting martshmallows for the first time.

Playing "ni-night!"

Alex going to sleep.

AJ, getting me back for using the "flash" on my camera :)

AM, Kate and Shea hittin' the hay.

"Mmmmm! Mellows, Daddy!"

Pre-camp out...a picture of Zack throwing a tantrum in time-out.

NOT impressed with time-out.

Random summer day...

2009-07-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

Finger painting with the boys. Zack chucked the paper and painted his body.

A picture of Zack throwing a tantrum. I told him that he was being ridiculous and so I was going to take a picture of him and show all of his friends. It didn't work.

Still throwing a fit...seems to do this pretty well lately!

Whatever you're doing...

2009-07-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

I was in the car by myself for a few minutes the other day...shocker, I know! I heard this song "Whatever you're doing", by Sanctus Real come on K-Love. I have heard this song several times, but never really listened to the words. I guess this time, I was able to be quiet enough to actually LISTEN. It's funny how we can hear something a million times, yet it takes a million and ONE times until it really makes sense and sinks in. Anyways, I'll post the lyrics, then tell you what struck me about this song...

"It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender"

I can't even begin to explain just how much "healing" needs to happen with this child. It breaks my heart to think of how much has been "broken" in him and all the people that have wronged him. The song says it perfectly..."I don't know where I belong" in this. I feel as if I (we) have done and tried everything to make this right...but nothing works. We have taken and used every piece of advice from his social workers and therapists, our friends and family. We have relied on our own intuition, creativity and life experience. We have tried to keep the environment "positive" and rewarding for good behavior. We have tried yelling. We've tried taking things away and making him "earn" it back. We've tried it all. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we are giving up or giving in, but I'm saying I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious for change. I'm sad.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly"

Rich and I know that THIS is where we are SUPPOSED to be right now...with THIS child. Like the saying goes, we know that we'll have to walk through "the valley" at times, but He never said we'd walk it alone, right? It's such a roller coaster of emotions. At times I DO feel like there's peace, but so often the chaos takes over and is just simply overwhelming.

"Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender..."

I JUST WANT ANSWERS! I just NEED answers. We NEED things to change. I'm ready for change and I'm ready for some progress to be made. Let's get to it already! I am so tired of having to PAY for all of the past mistakes of everyone else that this child has encountered. How long will he punish me for the things that others have done to him? When will the torture that he feels we need to endure end? When will he believe that we are not going to send him away because he chooses not to behave? When will he realize that we are doing our best and it's exhausting? When will he realize that he is loved, even when he is not lovable?

"Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"

I wish I could just climb into that little mind of his and clean out all of the clutter in his memory...the bad memories of not being cared for as he should have been, the many many moves he's had to make from one bad place to another, the different faces that he's called "mom" that never lived up to the title. I wish I could go in and clean it all up for him and give him a fresh start. It's up to him though...he has to LET me.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly"

I'm holding on to the belief that whatever is meant to happen in our home is far bigger than anything we could imagine. I know we're frustrated, but I also know that we have a God big enough to take care of us and keep us strong. I know we're tired, but I know that our God has strength enough to carry us when we feel we are ready to give up. Please continue to pray for us...we appreciate all we can get!

Zack at 22 months...

2009-07-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

Just a quick video of our crazy little almost-two-year-old...

Funny...

2009-07-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just a funny / sweet little conversation I had with our 8 year old the other day. In order to keep some kind of sanity in the house, I have been letting AM watch a movie during Zack's nap time (it's about the only thing that will keep him quiet for any length of time). I was in the check-out at Target the other day and saw Milo and Otis on the shelf and remembered loving it as a kid. You know, the movie about the little pug dog and the orange cat? So, I threw it in the cart.

So, the other day, I popped the movie in and secretly got a little nostalgic excitement over being able to share it with AM. As the movie went on, I realized I remembered nothing about the movie. It had been such a long time since I had seen it that it was like seeing it for the first time again.

Keep in mind, that AM may be 8, but he has had a lot of "different" life experience than the typical 8 year old. His CPS worker actually said, "It's like he's from Mars!", meaning that he doesn't understand simple things that "typical" kids do. He thinks the waves in the ocean are "waterfalls". He didn't know what a hair brush was and was fascinated when he saw one for the first time. He truly thinks a cow can "jump over the moon"...if it's a "really strong cow". He thought sharks or sea lions would make their way from the ocean to our camp site in the woods to eat us in our tent. He thought you have to dig in "dirt" at the camp site to get sea shells. I guess the only way we could explain it is that he is, in many ways, like dealing with a 4 or 5 year old...as far as normal life experience, temperament, social ability, fears, etc.

So, onto the funny part. We are watching Milo and Otis and, as I'm watching, I realize that a very difficult conversation is about to happen between me and AM.

AM: "Mom! What is WRONG with that DOG!?!?!?!"

Me: "Nothing, honey. She's getting ready to have puppies."

AM: "Mom! That cat looks like she's dying! What's WRONG with her!?!?!"

Me: "It's okay, AM. She's getting ready to have kittens. Isn't that cool?"
(Of course, thinking that by throwing the "isn't that cool?" statement out there would smooth it all over and he'd forget about asking more questions...yeah right.)

AM: "Mom...I really think she's really dying."

*pause*

AM: "Mom! Oh my GOD! What is going ON!?!?!? What IS that!??!?! That is SO GROSS!"

(Yes, Milo and Otis show the LIVE birth, up close, of kittens and puppies...parents beware.)

Me: "It's okay, honey. This is how puppies and kittens are born. See? The momma cat and the momma doggie are just fine and now they have their babies!"

(The animal moms start to lick the nasty slimy-ness off of their babies.)

AM: "THAT is a puppy? It's all slimy and gross!....and SHE'S LICKING HIM! Oh my God."

Me: "Well, that's how they get clean."

AM: "So when is the puppy and the kitten going to lay their eggs then? I don't get it..."

*End of conversation*

You know, although this is a tough situation, there are some sweet moments that I will always cherish about having him with us. Like the other night when Rich and I were going to be leaving him with a sitter for the first time so that we could go out for a few hours. He said, out of no where, "Mom...I think you deserve to go out. You work hard for me and Zack. It's okay with me that you go out tonight." I thought that was very sweet...then I thought it was funny that HE thought I needed HIS permission! :)

Then, this morning, he told me, "Mom, I think you really do have the most beautiful voice." Now, I DO have a voice that is similar to Celine Dion (with a possible chicken bone stuck in her throat, but still!), but to have him tell me that he LIKES to hear me sing and that it doesn't make his ears bleed...that's sweet.

When he finished his two weeks of swimming lessons, although he still can't really swim, he sat next to me in the car on the way home, beaming from ear to ear and said, "Mom, I really do feel like a champion swimmer. *sigh*"

Also, he recently received letters from him biological mom. He decided he wanted to dictate a letter to me and write her back. At the end of the letter he asked if he could add one more thing. He said, "Write, 'I think I'm gonna be here until I'm 18, and, mom, I'm okay with that.'"

*sigh*

Fort Bragg 2009...

2009-07-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

My handsome husband.

Searching hard for shells.

AM and two of my sisters.

Lunch at North Coast Brewing Co.

A little something that Zack found :)

Our nephew Alex freezing in the ocean.

Every year in July, our family and my sibling's families head to Fort Bragg for the weekend. We tent-camp, play at the beach and roast marshmallows by the fire. It's just a wonderful time and so many great memories are made.

This year was a little different due to the fact that several members of our family couldn't make it for various reasons. I was a little nervous about this trip knowing that my mom would not be there. She is a MASTER camper. My brother would not be there and he is the MASTER of improvising. So, I spent the last few weeks preparing. I shopped and packed and shopped and packed some more. I was sure that we had everything we needed (even if it was just a two night trip)! I bought all of our food here and packed it so that we didn't have to pay Safeway's outrageous cost for food. I was so proud of myself and seemed to have it all together! :)

I drove, which is typical for Rich and I. I don't make a great passenger...especially on windy roads. We got to camp around 8:30pm (Rich had to work that day, but we had the car packed the night before) and unloaded our car and set up the tent and food. We stayed up quite late and I finally got Zack to sleep around midnight. At 4am, I got a sweet wake-up call in the form of Zack saying (loudly), "Mommy! Ni-night! Shhhhh!" I pretended to sleep, but he had it in his mind that it was time to get up and that was that. Rich got out of the tent to head to the bathroom and found that raccoons had gotten into our cooler and had eaten all of our food, including TWO BAGS of plums. The plums must have worked their magic quickly, because they pooped all over EVERYTHING. They pooped on our picnic table, IN our cooler, all over our drinks, on our flashlight. You name it, it was poop covered. Yuck. So, at 5am, Zack and I headed to Safeway to re-purchase every ounce of the food that I so thoughtfully packed (and some Lysol kitchen cleaner). We sanitized everything and threw all of our food away and put on a new tablecloth. Whew! Oh!, and on my way back from the grocery store around 6am, I checked in at the ranger station and he informed me that we had registered for a "handicapped" site (although my printed registration said "standard") and he told me I'd have to pack up and move, although they didn't have another camp site for us to use. I offered to move to my sister's site and he said there would be too many people on the site and that wasn't an option. My sister's mother-in-law happened to have a handicapped placard and let us use it for the weekend. Whew...again! Don't think I didn't cry like a baby after the lack of sleep and stress of it all at the butt-crack of dawn though! :)

So, onto the fun part...

AM had his first experience of camping and the beach. He had a wonderful time! He did very well and we had so much fun. Zack's favorite term the entire weekend was "RUN!"...and that's precisely what he did...ALL WEEKEND. He was so busy and we chased and chased and chased. I think we need a vacation FROM our vacation! :)

All in all, it was a beautiful weekend with my family. I did miss my bed, but I love sleeping outside.

Play time...

2009-07-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

Friday, Rich had the day off to celebrate the 4th of July. Maddie came over to play and Rich and I watched her and Zack play in the water in the yard. Meanwhile, Dan (Maddie's dad) and AM took the dogs for a walk at the park.

June pics...

2009-07-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks, I've been taking our niece Shea and AM to swim lessons. Here are some pictures from the last day of swim lessons.

Zack was unhappy to be trapped in the kiddie pool area with Auntie Colleen.

Shea and Hailey

AM and Eli

Zack organizing all of the pool toys...that's my boy!

Telling Auntie Colleen to "come here!"

AM mid-air

Jumping off of the lifeguard's diving board.

Shea the diva (couldn't move this picture down, unfortunately).

AM, Zack and Logan shopping with Emily and I at Sam's.

Shea, mid-air.

Everyone hits a rough patch...

2009-06-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we've reached a point with our "older child" where we find ourselves grasping for new strategies to help us deal with things. I know that everyone hits a rough patch when they are raising children, but this is a ROUGH rough patch to go through. There are several behavioral issues that we are trying to work on...some that I wouldn't expect from our almost two-year-old. He has recently become very angry and resentful towards us and we are doing all we can to assure him that he is still loved and wanted, although sometimes WE even struggle with that, to be perfectly honest. It's so difficult trying to undo all of the "wrongs" he has experienced in his short 8 years of life and convincing him to trust that we are doing everything in HIS best interest.

I'd like to apologize for not being available for a while, and I have to admit that this may continue on for a bit. I feel like most days we struggle ALL DAY just to keep it together. I'm sorry for the birthdays we've forgotten, the parties we couldn't attend, the phone calls and e-mails that went unanswered...

I'm finding myself feeling more and more trapped in my home because he cannot and will not behave elsewhere. So, we go out for a while and he chooses to misbehave, and therefore we have to come home from whatever the function may be.

What's even more difficult is the facade that our "older child" likes to give off...he likes the idea that we are the "perfect family", and pretends as such. However, he doesn't want any of the responsibility of what it means to be part OF a family. So, sometimes when you see us out and about, appearances can be deceiving.

All we ask is that you are patient with us while we work through what we need to. When that happens, let the dinner parties and fun get togethers begin again! :)

2009 Relay...

2009-06-14T22:27:00.001-07:00

My Relay For Life 2009 shirt.

The Thomas Family...

2009-06-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

This past week, I was asked to take pictures of the Thomas Family. What a beautiful family they are!

Life these days...

2009-06-12T16:25:00.001-07:00

AM snugglin' up with Gramps the cat.

Zack, not quite ready to get up yet.

"I'm awake!"

Quite the appetite!

Pasta night at the Speakman's

Can't have pasta without the "CHEESE!"

AM is SO good with Zack.